Purple's Cool
by donnersun
Summary: Collab with texaskatherine. A gift for suzspetals-happy birthday! Please don't disown us. We did a Family Business outtake starring Edward and Riley. Complete and utter crackfic. Slash with what should never be considered a lemon. Read at your own risk.


***waves* Donnersun and Texaskatherine here.  
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**This little gem is a gift for our beloved friend, Suzspetals. She made the mistake of asking for our opinion on an outtake for her story, The Family Business, ****(www . fanfiction . net/s/5722140/1/The_Family_Business)** **and we took a few liberties with helping her complete it. Suz, we love you dearly, despite what you might think after reading this. Happy, happy birthday. We couldn't live in a world where you don't exist. **

**We don't claim any of this. Please don't sue us.  
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Being the thoughtful vampire that he was, Edward ordered a pizza for his family (Yes there is a place that delivers to the middle of nowhere. LOLOMG Sorry about the a/n in the middle of a sentence but I just had to clear that up) and agreed to wait at the house for it while they all went on a walk with Bella. She wanted to show them how she killed grizzly bears. Emmett was excited.

Edward decided that he would be more comfortable in satin underwear and nothing else, so he shed his clothes and pulled on his favorite purple pair. Purple is cool, he thought to himself. Before he could put a robe on, there was a knock at the door. He grabbed a $20 and scampered to the door, his junk bouncing happily in the glorious satin panties.

Being an uncoordinated vampire, Edward could not hold the money and open the door at the same time. The childproof handle Bella installed required two hands to operate. He stuffed the bill in his boxers, nestling it near his meaty man stick.

Opening the door, he was greeted with the sight of the most petite heart-shaped bottom he'd ever seen. The bill in his shorts seemed to move of its own accord. The person on his doorstep stood abruptly and turned around. The man was beautiful. There were no two ways about it. If Edward was hard before, it was nothing compared to his shimmery rod now that he had seen the delivery man's salami hat. It was in that moment Edward made a decision. He'd be wearing that hat before the afternoon was over.

"I'm sorry, sir," the young delivery vixen started. "It seems I got a little excited and have goo all over your front steps." He pointed to the mess. "I dropped the pizza and now the melted cheese is running into your yard. Is there any way I can make this up to you?"

Edward wished he had grabbed more than twenty dollars. "Why don't you come in and we'll discuss it?" He smoothed the sides of his silk panties. "I just have one quick question-if you could be any animal spirit, what would you be?"

"Oh, that's an easy question, sir," the hot little piece of delivery boy ass replied. "Bear."

Edward couldn't contain the feral growl that ripped through his chest. His joy stick sprang to attention and began weeping sparkly vampire juice all over his special purple briefs.

"Growl like a big old grizzly bear for me," Edward panted. The boy slowly bent over and sat the destroyed pizza on the ground, right next to Bella's collection of frogs doing human things like playing guitar and smoking corncob pipes. As he stood up he made sure that his nose brushed past Edward's swollen member and when he got _right there_he couldn't help but bite it. Unfortunately, what the boy didn't know was that Edward's vamp peen was practically made of marble.

"Oh no," he lisped. "I fhink I broke my toof."

"That's ok," Edward purred. "You don't need teeth to scream my name." The delivery boy let out a growl so feral, Edward swore he could have been a vampire. "You know what would be good for the pain? Something ice cold in your mouth." Edward pulled the young man over the threshold and up the stairs at lightning speed. "What's your name, big boy?"

"-iley," the man slurred.

"Eileen?" Edward asked. "I like it. I like it a lot. It suits you. Now let's do something to help your tooth." He dropped his purple panties with a flourish and bared himself to the man he knew as Eileen.

Overcome with emotion, the man most people knew as Riley, dropped to his knees. Edward wasted no time using the position to his advantage. "Open up, Eileen," Edward said. Riley was more than compliant. He took Edward's cold, hard member in his mouth and moaned from pleasure and relief. Edward liked the way his jagged teeth felt scraping across his skin.

"Omfward Iwuff orcock," Riley gurggled, not willing to drop Edward's throbbing meat stick from his mouth.

"Come on Eileen!" Edward yelled. "Remember Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye!"

He grabbed the back of Riley's head and guided, no...slammed it into his crotch with such force that Riley's other front tooth went flying across the room. Edward made a note of where it landed so that he could make a necklace out of it later. He was fairly certain that Bella had leather roping and some beads in her craft room.

Edward was so close. Between the newly created, gaping hole in Eileen's mouth and the thought of a new arts and crafts project, he couldn't hold on much longer.

He tried to warn his sucker that he was about to blow his load, but all that came out was "Poor old Johnny Ray!" and before he knew it his sparkling man butter was flowing down Riley's throat.

"Oh yeah, Eileen. Swallow my gift. Call me Santa, Eileen," Edward said, adding in a "ho ho ho" for good measure.

Edward came for approximately five minutes (there was a lot stored up because Bella had placed him on a no-ejaculation regimen for reasons she had not disclosed to him). When he was finished, he sat back on his heels and looked up at his new friend with hungry eyes.

"Let me milk you now," Edward whispered to Riley as he reached up and fingered the hole in his mouth.

"I'm a unich."

Edward had never met a right-handed unich before. He couldn't believe his luck.

Laying cuddled together under the Hello Kitty comforter, Riley finally broke the silence in the only way he could. He grabbed the Etch-a-Sketch Edward kept by his side of the bed and painstakingly twisted out a message.

**I know what you are. You're impossibly fast. And strong. Your skin is**

**pale white, and ice cold. Your eyes change colour and you never eat or**

**come out into the sun.**

Edward knew the jig was up. Riley would be the first person to ever hear his secret. Bracing himself to speak the words aloud, he let out a shuddered breath. "Yes, Eileen. I'm a tri-sexual. I like men, women and Pillow Pets shaped like team mascots. How did you know?"

Riley shook out the Etch-a-Sketch and started turning the knobs again.

**I can always sense one of my own kind.**

Riley shook the toy one last time and twisted out a message.

**Edward, you and your Pillow Pets are my life now.**


End file.
